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Today I saw my oneitis in passing. (No it isn't Cayden Holefax, she dropped out of college after being sexually assaulted)
She looked very happy. She was talking with a group of some guys and girls. She was wearing an outfit that didn't reveal skin, but still showed off her well-earned muscularity. It made me feel both giddy and bitter.
She has a kind face. Everything I know about her suggests that she is nothing but the most kindhearted, model woman. She doesn't party often. She's not vain. She's focused on her goals. She works hard. She wouldn't mock and ostracize a stone cold truecel like me.
Of course, simply tolerating someone like me is very different from being in a relationship with, or even just being seen socializing with, someone like me. I bench 4 plates, but benching isn't social status. Even if I could have infinite tries at going through college, it would be extremely difficult to end up with her. That idea really makes me feel down. That no matter what, I wouldn't be successful.
I hope I see her again tomorrow. I would never say anything to her, of course. Even doing the slightest of approaching would lead to a very bad outcome for me. I'm pretty certain she at least recognizes me. Of course, I've been wrong before many times. I've overestimates how much people care about me. So I could be wrong.
I explore these kinds of ideas in my upcoming book "Drawing Atoms," which explores themes relating to artificial intelligence and existentialism. One of the characters is named "Dzogushakar Gkptmadze." I feel that out of all the characters, he is the one who has the most traits in common with me.
Do you agree? What do you think about this story?
