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I've never been in a relationship for my entire life and will probably die alone, purposefully. Every time I like someone, I don't know that I do, and always meanly meme them out of my life when they have had enough of putting up with my bullshit. Only when they're gone do I realise how much they meant to me, and it never gets easier with every one that left. The only one that I did come to terms of my attraction for before he left was the most recent one. I confessed to him and he didn't reciprocate, but that didn't matter much to me since I want him to be happy (still do). Only after my usual shitposting antics in a group chat he was in did he tell me the reason he rejected me was because of my shitposting. He even confronted me, many months later, even after we never made contact, whether or not I shitposted a school survey he posted up (we're still "friends" online). I didn't, but the fact that the first person he thought of that would do this to him is me hurts. Despite all this, I still shitpost constantly on multiple platforms and can't stop myself.
I've also purposefully and gradually cut interaction with anybody irl since 2 years ago. I've been trying to do the same online but it's so difficult. I'm so tired of all this, so tired of myself. I want to move to a faraway place in the middle of nowhere, where nobody can find me, and just sleep forever.
