>>56993759>based /x/ schizo on /pmdg/Feedback:
Starting with negatives, I think your text formatting could definitely use improvement, at the very least you breaking up your paragraphs. If you do this, you could also move away from using bold for dialogue and just sticking with quotation marks. Also, you could strike greying your thoughts and italicizing it to just the latter since I didn't notice any other use of just italics in your story. Again, with all this breaking up your paragraphs should help a ton.
Grammar leaves some things to be desired, something that irked me a bit as a grammar nazi but nothing that took away from the story, so not a big deal. Just make sure you fix your commas, ensure tenses are consistent (the very first and second sentence have conflicting tenses), and
Now for the most important part of a story, the content: [spolier] I'm a fan. You got the self-hate and angst in the beginning pretty well, since I felt myself being a bit off-put by it, and I especially liked the contrasting thoughts of the narrator being struckthrough. Although I wondered how relevant the whole /x/-esque stuff was at the beginning, that might just be me (and if you have something for that planned in the future, awesome, I love schizo stuff in my consumed media). I don't think the lore you introduce is anything game-breaking, especially since you can just use the fallback you already included of "it's been so mistranslated after so many generations it's totally wrong" which is good for a collaborative writing project. You really did manage to introduce the lore behind Golett in a natural way, so kudos to you on that! While I was left surprised that Jangles left the Golett Army on such a short notice, and I can easily chalk it up to her one hope being shattered, it'd be interesting to see a bit more from generations of effort being laid to rest. [/spoiler:lit]
Overall, very entertaining story; I'd like to see what adventures await your characters next story!
