>>56993971>I think there are better ways to convey a character's unease, if that's what you're aiming at.I have this really annoying mental illness where I reflect talking mannerisms through text, which is why I do that, with mid-sentence pauses and such, because spamming commas doesn't sound great to me either, so thank you for calling it out. I'll try to find an alternative.
>As it is right now, each story element is fighting for attention and suffering for it.Yeah, I really needed feedback on this and wasn't getting any internally from my friend who has an English major, because they've been busy. I'll probably spend the next couple of weeks splitting it up into different smaller short stories. I think what happened was I pretty much only read stories from IV-anon, because of tackling man-made Pokemon in the world, and I think I tried too hard to replicate it, stumbling in the process.
>>56993990>text formatting and grammarThis is my first time using Rentry so I wasn't sure how to separate narration from introspective thought and dialogue while having it still be legible. One of my own criticisms is that I think the bold text for speech was too much. As for grammar, I'm not ESL, but English as a subject in school was never my strong suit, and I often catch myself mixing up where the subject and other stuff like that should be in a sentence, as well as run-on sentences and when the fuck to not use a comma.
>schizo stuffWhile all of that are true stories from my life, it mostly served as the link to being isekai'd. In reality I haven't interfaced with that stuff as much as I'd like due to general scatterbrain behavior, and I don't know if I should include it in future stories, or how I would include it in a meaningful way.
>Jangles switch-upThe other anon got it right, I was writing in a rushed manner, saw the story was getting long and wanted to conclude it somewhere. Although in whatever I write next, I'll be sure to touch on her reasoning.
