>>70226772>>70229421Never okay. I need to fucking die already fuck everything.
I barely made it through last week and barely been able to take care of last week and this week isnt much better. And the past 3 days I had motherfuckers 4 houses down literally blast the whole street with their shitty bass heavy music and due to that i barely got a total of 10 hours of sleep the past 3 days and i was already getting bad with depression last week and im stressed the fuck out daily in this apartment due to constant noise.
The reason this shitty blaring of their bass heavy music stresses me out is for one i have phonophobia, meaning certain noises cause me extreme stress and anxiety and the thumping of a subwoofer is such a noise. Aside from that my upstairs neighbor blasted their shit 24/7 for 3 years straight from 2017 until 2020 until the guy who did that shit dies due to drug overdose or something then i got finally two (2) months of rest in this apartment and then the next thing started which is the ventlation of a negbouring restaurant that openend then and i can literally hear that shit thing through my whole apartment when its on with all windows closed due to bad insulation same with every outside noise and due to my phonophobia every single noise in this apartment causes me more stress and anxiety to the stress i already have due to the chronic joint pain in my whole body due to having EDS, then add CPTSD due to people treating me like trash in my childhood that makes me think simply my presence is a bother to people and assume by default everyone hates me and every authority person and my parent neglected me in my childhood which is the cause of this shit and the cptsd and my social anxiety so even just talking to people causes me stress and anxiety as well.
So moving out of this apartment may resolve 70% of the causes of stress and anxiety, but that isnt going anywhere due to pieces of human trash that act like my shitty parents and dont take care of the living beings they are responsible for and not taking care of litterbox hygenie causing their cats to shit and piss everywhere (basically animal hoarders) it makes it hard to fidn a placr with cats add my limited money budged as i live off of a disability pension of 1050 euro i cant save much money to increase my range delaying this whole moving process prolonging the stress and anxiety i get from living in this apartment for an unknown span of time.
The stress and anxiety from this apartment is what got me suicidal to begin with. Shit just adds up more and more stress and shit and while i can deal with a lot of shit as lifes never been good and i never had happiness in life every person has a breaking point and ive been past that since 2021 but im still pushing on, but the past 2 months just made me really aks why i even bother anymore i dont even get joy or fun out of anything. I simply exist to take care of my cats. I do end up kms i already wrote a last will of where my cats are supposed to go so they wont be left behind. I always make backup plans even my depression gets so bad i can barely eat or take a shower i still take proper care of my cats the very least as i wont take after my parents and neglect the living beings im responsible for like my piece of shit human scum parents did to me and my siblings (that i dont have any contact with anymore as the justifiedly left as soon as they had a job and left this shit "family" behind them.
>>70230335>spoilerI dont have any problems with that religion but im staying far away from that. 70% of the people that treated like shit in my childhood came from that religion, so while i dont have problems with them i will never join their religion. I dont believ in any gods anyway. If a god exist he sure does a shit job looking at how much shit people (other than me AS i probably deserve the shit i deal with for existing) have to deal with. I always felt more bothered by other people suffering than my own. So if theres a god he needs to get a new job. As hes doing am even worse than my parents did with raising me (which they didnt) i was alone through my whole life until 2021 and basically raised myself, teached myself how to talk to people and shit which i already suck at due to my autism. So yeah the fucked up parts of my which is 99% of my existence come due to childhood trauma, autism, social anxiety and depression and cptsd due to the childhood stuff.
Either, way sorry for this wall of text that took me an hour to type. I usually fuck off when my depression gets this bad to avoid bothering other people (especially friends in discord) with that shit or talk as open as im doing rn as i already feel like im being enough of a burden to them with my simple existence. I barely slept the past 3 day so i guess my usual limitors are of in terms or how open i talk about stuff. Im not pissed at anyone, but myself at this point for not having my shit together.
