>>18170104As I read I felt like you got the character personality down pretty well. A lot of little things like Kronii's noodle arms or the personal weighted blanket keep knowledge/lore/whatever you want to call it, consistent. In addition, Kronii and IRyS' mannerisms felt realistic. Their interactions throughout were very cute and I did like reading them. Thanks for sharing.
For the setting however, I feel like its very light on details. The cake shop for instance, it's just kinda cool inside? Is that indicative that it's hot outside? Is it abnormal for the place to be cool or is it supposed to be normal? And later at IRyS' house and room. We see that her house is themed on her character motif but when we get to her room, we're just in there. Is it themed the same? Is it different? A persons room tells you a lot about the person. I guess maybe this is nitpicky but, I feel like IRyS room would definitely reflect things about her personality. Does she have lots of nuigurumi, is her computer in here, is her computer super decked out, is there a window, things like that I think would help.
I also feel like transitions in time were off. Just felt sort of disjointed, not a huge deal since I could follow the clear breaks indicated by the lines between some passages, but not beneficial either. Maybe because of the length of the piece this time it felt much more noticeable to go from one long scene into another somewhat abruptly, I would expect to be eased into the next scene, not just read, "we woke up when the sun was already up," if you get what I mean. I would actually switch the sentences at that part at the end around, but that's just what I think.
I did read your message in the post and just by being around, know you've not been well as of late. I h o p e that in time you feel better senpai. That was a lot of stuff and you didn't really ask for criticism anyways but I like giving you my thoughts, I *hope* that's ok. I look forward to the next work senpai.
