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I messaged her last night to try one last time to get her to unblock me on instagram (I'm one of the anons who got blocked back in August). I have promised so many things and swore on my life that I will never hurt her again but it appears to not be enough. I also swore that I would never post here again after the things she said and have been following up on that until this post. I've also tried my best in avoiding the other nekofami communities I was part of because it was simply too painful most of the time. I do not know where else to scream anymore as the only thing left within me is pain from the loneliness of the past two months. I'm feeling myself slipping more and more and I am no longer sure how to function going forward. I lost one of the pillars keeping my life stable and my mind sane. It is one thing to be cheated on but it is another to be the one at fault. I betrayed her, myself and everything I believed in. The worst part being that I feel my real life responsibilities catching up to me now and am getting the knowledge first-hand of how I'm slowly going to drift away from being around her despite the emptiness she left in me persisting. All I'll be left with is this sin I committed and no way remaining to atone for it. Yet simultaneously my mind cannot help but wander in the direction of whether what I did truly deserves this kind of punishment. I never had intent of hurting her, I never said any insult nor did I mean to cause such a reaction from her. This kind of self centered thought just makes me spiral down even deeper, I have always been willing to die for her if need be yet now in these moments I catch myself thinking of myself over her. And now that she's denied me redemption my life ceases to have meaning yet it goes on and perhaps that is the worst part of everything. The woman I had sworn my everything to is just going to leave my life one way or the other.
