Quoted By:
19
M
I could have been one of those child prodigies that graduated university at 13, PhD at 17, etc., except I was so badly abused for so long, and from such an early age that not only was I driven insane before I hit grade school, I spiraled into alcohol and drug abuse before I was even in high school. Now, once I actually finish the book I'm writing, if it doesn't do well I'll probably just kill myself. I'm actually fairly attractive (or so I've been told) and years of sociopathy have taught me how to be incredibly charming but I'm so introverted that most of the time, no matter how soul-crushingly lonely I get, it's still not worth going outside. Well that and the schizophrenia, which on it's own makes it kind of difficult to meet people. Half the time I'm able to bury the majority of my consciousness and function as a human being, but in my most lucid moments I feel like I'm losing my mind simply due to the nature of my existence. I get caught in a negative feedback loop of existential crisises until I jack off or drink enough to make my mind numb again. I quit most drugs, but I still miss them, and sometimes I can't think of a valid reason not to relapse, other than the fact that I don't have the money for it. Also I occasionally have premonitions of completely irrelevant moments of my future, generally when I'm watching a movie or something. There'll be a feeling, not unlike deja vu but much stronger, where I will not only recognize everything that is happening in the exact order that it happened in, but I will remember REMEMBERING it at a previous time. I've even written down my premonitions, and sooner or later, sometimes years afterwards, they always come true. Cont.