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I'm trapped in the "wreckage" of a life I don't want, and I'm stagnating in habits that reinforce it. I've tried and failed so many times to improve my circumstances that I believe, to some degree, that I'm broken. However, I'm really afraid that I'm unsalvageable and just haven't verified it yet. I'm relatively young, so I know this probably isn't valid, but youth only shields my lethargic disposition. If I can always defer a trial of capability I never need to appraise my potential incapability, and I never have to accept a life worse than my present limbo. Thus I either do nothing, or at most not nearly enough. I'm also resilient enough that I never completely give in and accept a worse lot, so it goes on. I might be distracted for a month, but I'll always muster some courage to get at it again, however limited my efforts are. Rationally, I understand it can't go on indefinitely; the more I fail the more I doubt my capability to fully commit to what really matters to me, the more entrenched my torpor becomes and the hill I must climb to spur myself into action grows. Each option I use and fail with slowly becomes another reason I can't succeed, because I'm convinced that it would've worked by now could it have succeed. The wreckage, accordingly, breaks down a little further, but I can't tell how far gone I am. I don't have infinite options, and I won't be young forever.
I can't really see myself. I'm not even permitted to directly state what's bothering me.
