My soul yearns for something better. It's tired and hurt. I have never really had a friend group and the one good friend I've had I haven't talked to in years, we drifted away from each other long ago. Since probably middle school a deep sadness has kindled itself into my core and has grown into a part of me. Even before then I've seen the world akin to a television show, for lack of a better term, with the feeling growing stronger as time escapes. I watch the people I went to school with and used to be around make memories with their lifelong friends, get married, have kids, etc. while I watch the seasons pass. I'm painfully comfortable in this position. Most every time I've casted my self into the show I end up hurt by the people I put my trust into. Betrayed, lied to, forgotten, or used. No use in specifics but the only person to break that rule has been my mother. What a great person she is. At least I have her. It hurts me to pain her with my inescapable sadness. Most of the time I hide it. Sometimes I forget about it. But always it comes back. I often wonder if something is wrong with me. That must be the case because why else would these things happen to me? However from the brief times I let people in I seem to be genuinely enjoyed by the people I talk to. Most people want to keep talking to me and if I talk to them one on one they seem to trust me with things they never or often never tell others. Yet I am still alone. It must be because of my fear of letting people in and potentially being drastically hurt. Partly because of that I have never had a real relationship with a woman. May also be due to my own stupidity but either way it adds a great pain onto an ocean of hurt. Until I get over this grave problem I'll sit in my field of peace and enjoy the beauty of nature and enjoy my small moments of happiness before the sadness comes back.
sry for length had to cut it bc too long comment lol but enjoy some music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYB92yzl9ns 