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I tried to kill myself. I overdosed while I had severe pneumonia, I was probably less than hour from certain death. I did it high on benzodiazepines and I only figured that I tried to end it all about a month later when I talked with the guy that sold me the drugs (he was with me that night, before I swallowed everything). I'm still recovering, but in terms of my mental health - I feel like I'm stuck in the same life that put me in the position to commit suicide, and I don't have an escape. I have a mother, that I can't say anything to, since she loves to deny how badly I feel. I have a girlfriend, yet we fight constantly and any time I even bring up how toxic that is, she goes into a suicidal rage. Her family continues to talk shit behind my back, they always hated me. My family is now completely indifferent to me. I got diagnosed with ADHD this week, at 20, yet, my health is so bad, I can't take meds for it.
I had a fight with my girlfriend over the phone yesterday. After crying for two hours and wanting to harm myself, as I usually would've done, I have now lost all emotion. I'm in limbo. I started drinking, even though it's really bad with my antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. I feel like it's only a matter of time before I go back and successfully end my life. Seems like nothing changes, and there's not a lot I can change. Any decision is backed with resentment, guilt and sadness. Doing nothing feels terrible, doing something feels worse. I can't get out without harming myself even more.
