>>4361272It's weird, I think I'm in a pretty severe depression but I can't tell. I just know that I'm very numb, I have these random moments of happiness but then I have these deep horrific feelings of deep deep sadness. I don't really know where I am mentally, today my friend told me he's legitimately afraid I might kill myself even though I never mention suicide or anything close to that to him. I'm not suicidal but I feel like I'm stuck in a permanent psychological break down, I tell people the truth about what's going on in my life almost immediately, I've lost all respect for social norms and basically just act how I want. I have very little inhibition in a bad way.
A while ago my parents were fighting really bad and I wanted to stop them and do anything I could to keep them from divorcing, I don't know why. Our entire family structure unraveled, it felt like the hierarchy was smashed out of nowhere. You know how when you enable cheats in a video game, the game loses meaning? Kind of like that. All of the sudden my Dad is encouraging me to do drugs and all sorts of stuff and my sister goes to a psych ward and I'm watching my parents literally act like teenagers when I respected them my whole life. They officially divorced a few weeks after that. It just really fucked me up socially more than I thought it would. About a year later I'm dumped off at college wondering wtf just happened to my family. I thought I was ok but it turns out that whole experience (there is A LOT more that happened) ruined me psychologically and I didn't notice.
So I'm filled with a lot of hate, confusion, and general cynicism, and I'm trying to get over it. I don't want to be a victim but at the same time I know I'm really not ok but have no idea how to fix it other than letting time heal the wounds. It's been like over a year though so I'm debating seeing a psychiatrist. I'm not asking for pity, just sharing.
