>>18973994I don’t feel anything because every moral and reservation I ever held I broke in some way or another, many many times. I betrayed everyone so many times, including, and especially myself. I don’t deserve any sympathy and I never will and I know this more certainly more than anything. I don’t care to go to higher education though I had many opportunities to I turned away in numerous times, once out of futility, than out of foolishness, and finally out of apathy. A year and many months that could have been happy and wasted on a pointless never ending maze of lies and sloth that sprang from vice after vice, and soon all of those opportunities will fade away forever, but it doesn’t matter because in every way I am totally not the same man, all of my gifts are gone and all of my goodness has evaporated and worse there is nothing but a foul rotting bile. I don’t care to have a job, or a family , or anything, because no matter what it will be disingenuous with the husk that I am there, I hate him. I became and did everything I hated about my enemies, everything that I thought was wrong in the world; I know I deserve to die a billion painful deaths for using and draining and betraying those who care for me most deeply, and I feel such horrors awaits me in the next world. I want to die by my hand and hope for oblivion, but I know the universe doesn’t work that away, but more terrifyingly I know I never would see anyone who had ever cared for me ever again, they’d despair certainly but if they knew the many lies I had told and how I only play the angel and I’m in fact the opposite, because to say the truth would break the illusion and lead to my justified abandonment, they’d grimly be fine with such an eternal arrangement. I’m probably going to kill myself soon, regardless of how selfish, cowardly, or evil or is; and regardless of where I know I will find myself once I cross the gulf. It’s just a question of time before I jump out my window.
