Your mind makes it real to you. And belief is very strong. If you believe in it it will manifest into your being and influence everything you do for better or for worse.
Take jack parsons for example. He preformed the babalon working rituals in socal deserts believing he was opening up stargates and downloading information. Was he actually doing that? Probably not but he believed he was and that’s how he got his rocket fuel calculations that got the USA off the earth.
Here are some wise words from a house painter named spud. Hope things improve for you anon.
https://youtu.be/V0BFiDoEbiw 