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i dreamt about my only irl friend last night
i only ever meet with him a few times a year anymore, but in this dream, he was coming along with me for some reason. i was surprised because i partake in dangerous activities that he would not really enjoy. then i think we slept in the same bed, teasing eachother. i usually do not have these types of thoughts about my friends, as it's about as taboo as incest for me, while i am still a closet gay. he started tickling me and we cuddled, but it was no more than that.
i liked it, but i'm kinda afraid of doing things like that irl for some reason. even just erping with strangers took a large hurdle to overcome. i do know that i have a longing to be cuddled and feel loved and protected. i never got that in my childhood. only violence, neglect, and insecurity. the house could look so pretty on the outside, living our perfect lives, until a spirit suddenly possesses one of my family members, and the peaceful setting suddenly erupts into a flurry of shouting and chaos. that is still my life, trying to please family, bending my back over to make them happy so that they don't erupt into violence again, but it just keeps happening. all i wanted was to have a loving and supportive environment. i never understood why they don't ever see the same, why we must always revert back to our old ways.
over the years, i only expect the abuse to wear me out even further and further, until i am a shell of a human being, heart left cold and corroded, sitting at the bottom of my empty ribcage, just rotting. i can already feel the anger inside growing stronger and stronger, but i do not like it, as i rarely ever like using such an emotion to express myself.
