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Sometimes I look up at the little fan on top of my ceiling. It just keeps going, Its purpose is defined and its reasons for operation are clear. Then I look at myself and simply think why. Out of all the drops in this big universe why did I have to be human. I have been given no purpose, I don't know how to stay functional, and I just that I was naturally drawn to my purpose. I wish that I didn't need to waste my time with so many hobbies. I wish that I could just focus on one simple thing, just keep doing it and be happy. But instead I have to ride the wave of my emotions and constantly seek out to find new things. Why was I born this way. Why Am I not more simple. Why the hell am II here and why Can't I just be happy with existence. I can't believe that I have a place in this world because It has frequently told me otherwise and no matter how many people that tricked themselves try to trick me. I can't see myself believing otherwise. Still though I'm just going to keep drifting in this whirlpool of cosmic pointlessness until one day I sink knowing so little about who I truly was that it's laughable to think that I ever thought that I figured anything out. Because I can't say anything with 100% certainty. I've been proven wrong so many times before that I've just learned to try to understand and once you start trying to understand, You realize that's It's hard. It's hard to know anything for sure and it's much more easy just to have faith. But when You have faith, you don't understand. You know but don't understand. You know but you don't understand. But otherwise You understand and don't know. You can't feel good either way. No matter how much pretending you do once you feel this way You can't go back. I can't fool myself again guys. I just have to stick here with this with my now drained husk of an ego and wallow in my own meaninglessness. Then one day It will be over. But i'm scared.even if there is no point I don't wanna not able to connect the dots anymore.
