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There's an insanity in your thought process. A kind of pathology that makes you try anything you can think of to get over it, but you can't. That's why you're alone. Even when you've been with people, it's still synthetic. Because somewhere deep, you're still alone. Walled off from everyone and everything. In recent history this has been your life. Ever since you constructed the big wall to keep yourself safe from what happened. This explains everything you do to try to go beyond this inner prison that you can't seem to free yourself from, no matter what, because you're not addressing the real issue. So it's been damning you to hell. Your own choices have damned you to hell without you ever considering that it's the edges of your consciousness that sometimes you notice that is the giveaway, if you'd acknowledge it. Your lying to yourself. And this pathology makes you schizophrenic. A house divided unto itself. Something that no one in their right mind would find attractive. Unresolved pathology that makes you alone eternally unless you go to extraordinary measures. It's an insanity that you catch yourself believing and questioning. And some other girls have it worse, yes. But you can't deny that you have it upon deep examination. This is why you're really alone. This is what curses you to always be alone while it is unresolved. It's serious. It's not funny. Nothing will end up working in your favor in this way. It will only end up leaving you alone everytime. It's probably why you try to stay so "busy" and movement oriented so you don't have to face it while your mind is still. Avoidance. You've been avoiding it. Maybe you don't know why you feel you need to avoid the hell within (that's what makes you unattractive and things never work out long-term because of it), maybe it comes from a lens darkly - the opposite of enlightenment. It makes you project your own 'better the devil you do know' complex onto external events. Rationalizing that you'd rather continue livi
