Quoted By:
>be me
30 years old, living the dream
on keto diet because Chad at work swears by it
feeling like a ripped caveman after two weeks, no carbs, only meat and fat
forget that keto makes you kinda, uh, “volatile”
>out shopping at Walmart, hunting for some keto-friendly snacks
get a sudden, ominous rumble from the depths of Mount Doom
“hold it in, bro, you’re a grown-ass man”
squeeze cheeks, waddle to the bathroom like a penguin in distress
see the men’s room sign like it’s the gates of heaven
open door
>janitor: “Bathroom’s closed for cleaning. Sorry, pal.”
panic.jpeg
try to convince him to let me in
“Sorry, man, can’t. Health and safety.”
as if this situation isn’t already a public health hazard
>run toward the back of the store, praying for mercy
rumbling intensifies, sweating bullets, vision blurry from anxiety
aisle 14: baking supplies
kneel to pretend I’m tying my shoe
realize I’m out of time
>Mt. Vesuvius erupts in my pants
hot, wet disaster; instant regret
looks around to make sure nobody noticed
little kid staring at me in horror, tugs at his mom’s sleeve
“Mommy, that man’s dying.”
nope.exe
>ditch the cart, shuffle out of Walmart in shame
sit on a trash bag in my car, drive home windows down
burn pants in backyard like a sacrificial offering
keto diet canceled forever
>tfw you try to better yourself and life craps on you
literally
