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My point is,
I think I was almost instilled early on at first, to be kind of soft and loving. I think I was raised to be loving basically, for some reason. But I didn’t really understand that at all or what it meant.
Like I said after a certain point after I moved for the final last time and in that environment I had to grow up really fast I wasn’t really allowed to be soft or to even have feelings really, I developed extreme emotional repression which was something I overcame later on when I moved away because people were more emotional like I literally have to spend time getting in touch with my feelings, all the different feelings there was, which was kind of a journey. It was something I was told before like why don’t you shoe any emotions you seem repressed. It was a really repressive environment but that tends to go along with rural conservative areas it seems like.
Over the years though, I managed to become quite hardened, almost too hard. I am just used to everything seeming to be that way, being often times that people didn’t take my feelings at all into consideration and the answer was to always tough it out, that’s what I always had to do.
But thinking back and remember how different it was before, how I was taught that I didn’t necessarily had to be harsh and have a tough rock solid exterior like that, it makes me wonder if that softness is a part of who I am, and I wonder if everything has to be really hard like that, if there is a place for softness, or what the purpose of being taught that softness was exactly? But saying all that I don’t know how I would actually go about doing that
