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Unconsciously I approached life in a wrong way, I don't know what exactly it means. I continually seem to be making mistakes and making the worst choice, all the time. Again. Again. Again and again. I feel that life continues to play jokes on me, bad taste jokes. It almost seems to me to be destined to suffer from faults that I can't even frame. I have regrets, certainly, faults that I just can't forgive myself and maybe that's why karma wants to punish me. I honestly don't believe in God or even in karma, only in fatality, a game of probability that doesn't smile to anyone but that at the same time doesn't wink to anyone. He's just a sadistic dice game but I feel like I've lost every single time. Today is August 26 2019, a strange evening, which I would like to forget but at the same time hot brand in my mind. I'm a complete IDIOT. I can't manage my feelings, it's like everything slipped from my hands, time, love, opportunities and above all happiness. The fault really isn't fatality or anything else, but only mine and mine only. I don't have to blame anyone but myself. I want to be frank with me, << You have to change or you'll really hate yourself! Right now you are only scum >>. I don't even know exactly what I'm doing right now, I want to capture this stream of consciousness, maybe I'll delete it tomorrow or maybe not, who knows. I can't organize the ideas, in my head right now it's as if there was a fucking shake of things, so many things, that if I framed them clearly they would make me suffer, they would hurt me a lot and so I refuse to think about them. I know perfectly well that I shouldn't, but the only refuge I have at this moment is xanax, it deprives me of any emotion, it makes me feel like I'm submerged in a limbo of nothing, a cosmic nothing that makes me feel safe, away from all worries. I just want to escape from my nightmares, from bad thoughts. I'm just a poor drug addict but right now I just can't find a way out.
