>>13821147>You have to be in charge of what's happening completely, or you don't want to participate at all.Probably the most direct and concise way I can imagine it being stated. Well put.... I desired absolute control, invulnerability, and to be exempt from the natural order. I think this is because I was parentified among other things and saw everything and everyone as my responsibility, yet at the same time knew I could not, did not want to, and in fact had no right to try to control, fix, whatever them. I little to no "I feel/want/need". It is all "I should, it should be, it would be ideal if", and that's what guides me. I did not get involved with other people because I felt I should not. Looking abck now I don't think I even experienced it as a choice, I kept them at arm's length, ignored people, starved them of attention, in a way took them for granted. Didn't understand why anyone would want me around. I was pretty much isolated and programmed to never trust other people. To this day if someone is nice to me I think it's a ruse to lure me out, they're giving me enough rope to hang myself, they're trying to do this that or the other, they're trying to dominate me, they think I'm their bitch, if I am weak they will destroy me completely, and so on.
It's a lot to unwire.
