>>12990659Nothing I do will ever let me escape my crippling schizoid tendencies. I am intelligent and aware enough to recognize them as a problem for my lifelong happiness, but I simply cannot force myself to care. No matter how much I force myself to socialize, how nice I pretend to be, how much I improve in social situations - I am simply not there. I am empty, distant, and barely feel anything at all. Subconsciously I am incapable of recognizing it as a problem, and life goes on.
Ironically the worst perceived effect my personality has had on me is not my crippling isolation and loneliness, since I kind of like those things, but that it acts as a nearly impenetrable barrier to professional networking. In my day to day thoughts and emotions, I do not care that I have almost no firends and barely talk to anyone outside of work, but I do care it prevents me from getting better jobs.
I feel that it is people like me with my condition that have the potential to become genuine sociopathic monsters. Sometimes I wonder how what kind of person I would be if I had a genuinely bad childhood and upbringing.
