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Everyday, I wake up from colorful dreams involving lots of people who love me, only to come crashing down to reality. I feel this horrid emptiness burning in my gut, and my eyes fill with tears as I realize that these were just dreams and I haven't got a soul in my life. I'm uninteresting, unattractive, and it's impossible for me to make normal conversation, which has driven everyone away.
Even my boyfriend admitted to pretending to be busy all the time just to avoid talking to/hanging out with me right before breaking it off. All my "friends" followed suit; it seemed that one by one they all drifted away. Suddenly, they all became "busy".
I stopped asking if they could hang out. They never tried to make plans. I stopped texting first to see if maybe they would text me, to see if maybe they cared and they really were busy.. No one texted anymore.
I haven't really talked to anyone in weeks. I text people occasionally thinking perhaps I can rekindle the friendships, but the conversations are always dry and quickly fall flat.
I really wish I could be happy in the absence of people, but I'm so fucking lonely and filled with more self loathing then should be humanly possible. I don't know what to do. I try meeting new people, but then I quickly prove once again I'm incapable of any normal communication. I just want to be loved by someone, anyone. I want to matter.
But after countless mornings of waking up to my own person hell, I've concluded that I will never mean a thing to anyone. I feel myself spiraling into a familiar state of wanting nothing but to die, and I have no one to blame but myself.
