>>5980021I've never made an attempt on my own life. I've thought about it a lot but my coping mechanisms are just different.
I personally don't understand self harm as a coping mechanism, I've just never done it. From people I have talked to, I think it may have something to do with inciting feelings or serving as a distraction? I want to understand so I can attempt to help, but if you could help me understand how it makes you feel, that would help.
My coping mechanism has been absolute detachment. Detachment has basically become as normal to me as breathing. It's such a powerful coping mechanism but a lot of it is delusional thinking. Of all the drugs I have ever abused, detachment makes me feel better than any of them.
The only way I can describe detachment is total apathy. It's a very potent form of daydreaming at best, and at worst, I have no regard for my own personal safety and engage in reckless behaviors. But I'd be lying if I told you feeling absolutely nothing didn't feel good. It's hallmarked by the whole thousand yard stare thing, and I lose sense of time. Five minutes can feel like five seconds or five hours in this state of mind. When things get too intense to think about or I don't feel like feeling I just do what I did ever since that exact moment. I just look straight ahead at something and clock out. It's dangerous because it makes relationships hard when my instinct is to react to problems by doing the personal equivalent of leaving the car running with nobody inside.
When things get too intense to ignore, I just enter a phase of locking up where I'm kind of trapped in my body and all I can do is look straight ahead and sit there panicking. It's scary to feel trapped in your own body. It's hard to describe but it's like watching the view of your eyes from far away like it's on a movie screen. When I want to move it feels like a suggestion and not a command, and my body just won't listen to what I want it to do.
