>>19252238I fucking hate how I ended up. Smart enough to know how many things I could have, but missed due to factors outside of my control. I don't even get to be the dumb unthinking animal type as Kaczynski puts it. I just get to sit here and wonder what could have been while boiling in my own hatred of the world, my mother, my country, and everyone else who failed me. Mediocrity sucks you in like a black hole and you can fight its influence for so long until you suffer from attrition. I'm surprised I got this far. Attempted to go ever further. I could see an out and I had so much propellant left. Reconnected with my dad after a lifetime of surface level chatting over the phone. I asked him if I can come over. I left Greece mid high-school after finishing grade 11.
I finally had everything I ever wanted, a good school, good teachers, a good country, my own space for growth. Dad bought me a PC without me asking. It was my first piece of serious technology.
But it was TOO LATE to take advantage of it. The damage was already done and the now available silence only brought it to light. Alllll the shit I went through, I got to relive over again. I froze. I couldn't study, couldn't go to classes. Kind of dropped out. A year passed just like that. 2 years. I didn't leave the house for a year. Didn't have anywhere to go anyway. I had at least the resources to get myself checked out, ADHD and math disability. Whatever, TOO LATE as well, I'm fucked. Year 3, I call my awesome Canadian high-school hey guys remember me? "You're too old" Nice. So I get to have afternoon clases now. Not doing better, shit grades but I'm at least passing it wasn't hard either I just burned out. A Lifetime supply of mental illness got to show it's symptoms at the peak of my life, what is supposed to be my best years. Dad is disappointed but worried about me, meanwhile I felt like a parasite.
