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>be me
>be with boyfriend since I was 19
>now 27
>have kid together
>in the beginning, as typical, I do dumb dramatic shit that teenage girls do and he reveals abusive tendencies (not "oh he called me a name once," but severe verbal abuse, open palm slapping me, shoving me across rooms, etc.)
>was head over heels in love with him, he claimed the same
>abuse coming from a guy I was so crazy about made me snap and go full Stockholm syndrome
>convince myself it'll be okay while subconsciously making plans to leave in the future
>be 23
>regaining confidence
>stop tolerating the treatment i had before
>feeling better
>suddenly my dad dies
>need shoulder to cry on
>reattach to boyfriend
>decide to take it for what it is for the time being because I'm in mourning and no longer have a safety net to fall back on anyway
>be 24
>accidentally get pregnant right after we get our own place
>temporarily improves our relationship
>fall back in love with him and overlook the fact he never gave me a massage or anything while I was pregnant
>feel hopeful
>have baby
>know he's nervous so try to encourage him
>see that he wants to be a good father
>admire him for that
>tell him he's a good father
>tell other people he's a good father in front of him
>struggle sometimes myself as all new mothers do
>turn to him for comfort and reassurance
>instead he gets angry at me
>calls me a bad mother
>begins telling me I'm a bad mother at least 4 times a week
>criticizes me constantly
>chastises me for being emotional
>even tells me he hopes I die in my sleep out of anger one night (he apologized but it didn't matter)
>try to stay positive since I have a child with this man
>always give him sex whenever he wants so that's one less thing he can complain about and I can enjoy it too
>slowly begin to enjoy it less and less
>he also whines that I don't show him affection anymore
>realize it feels awkward now and you have no interest in being affectionate
>no one to talk to about any of this
