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How do I deal with all of my negative personality traits.
I am incredibly lazy, I am so afraid of failure and shame that I never try anything or put myself out there, I am emotional manipulative and dishonest and manipulating and lying to people is so ingrained in me I do it as default without even recognizing it, I am incredibly spiteful and will get internally upset with people over small infractions and want to make them feel bad (though lately I've been catching myself having that attitude and have been successful in telling myself not to be such a faggot), I'm incompetent, I am selfish and hate spending time with other people or going out of my way to spend time with them even though I should, I can't focus on anything, I am cringy and obnoxious, and I'm never consistent with anything and always fall off the horse. I have no discipline. The only environment I'm good in is when I am given structure and forced to do something. I can do something well if it's thoroughly explained to me and I am giving orders, but I cannot think for myself or do things of my own volition.
I also can't put work into things. I want to learn to draw as an example, but I just can't force myself to sit there and draw. I want to do it, but I literally get antsy and will almost impulsively do something else until snapping back to reality. I can't stand it. I can't focus on anything.
I hate myself, I'm a piece of shit and I don't deserve the good people in my life. People think I'm a good person but I'm not. My mother told me that the only reason anyone tolerates me is because they don't know the real me, and if they did they would hate me just as much as she does. And she's right.
I hate myself so much I avoid contact with people because I'm ashamed to be around others.
How can I fucking fix myself to stop being a literal piece of human garbage. I want to change but I feel like there is so much wrong with me that I'll never be able to change the core aspects of my personality.
