>>12640191Yeah i understand that very well. The only friendship irl that has persisted over the years is one that doesn‘t rely on this kind of maintenance. We just write each other when we need someone to talk or need someone to do something together to forget. I‘m grateful for this friendship because we can both just come and go as we need it in the moment without the other feeling abandoned or used. Which is amazing given that we basically do just use each other. Makes me wonder if it is really a bad thing to need each other in that way. To just come and go as necessary and not having to rely on keeping up forced contact for the sake of it without it having any actual value.
But it does become more difficult the closer you get to not fall into that trap. I‘ve bailed from closeness so many times because it usually feels like whatever i can give is never enough. Which means i have to either sacrifice myself by doing more than i want and can or to let the other down. I hate both options so i guess that only leaves not getting close to begin with. But that just beings loneliness. I haven‘t really found a way out of this yet either but my best explanation is that i truly don‘t have enough to give because of all my emotional issues so it isn‘t that those people ask too much (although that is often a factor too since unhealthy people also have greater needs than healthy ones) it is that i am too empty to give what would be necessary for a sane relationship. And since most humans are wounded, nobody has enough to give and nobody only asks for what could be given. We often need more than we can get and have less to give than would be needed. I wish i knew how to heal this.