Quoted By:
I'm 40 years old today.
I can hardly believe it. I feel the same. I got up this morning, went to work.... just another Monday.
And then it hit me. I'm 40. The hair on my chest is going white. The lines around my eyes are there to stay now.
How did it get so late? How did I lose so much time?
If I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I remember turning 30. Hanging out with friends on a Wednesday night, pigging out on pizza and video games. I was broke as shit, but happy and never lonely.
Another breath, and I remember turning 25. I was fat, depressed, tired of my corporate job. I drank too much and gambled a lot. But I was still young.
Then, easy as breathing, I remember turning 20. I had all my hair. I was in amazing shape. I had a new girlfriend and the world was my oyster.
I still my mind just a little, I remember being 15. I can look down and see my own body, nearly man-sized but hairless. I can run my tongue across my teeth and feel the rasp of the orthodontics. I remember the thrill of cashing my first paycheck, the rush of holding a girl's hand.
And for just a fleeting instant, between breaths, between heartbeats, I remember being 8. I'm a little boy, too smart, too fat, too wordy. I remember getting my first puppy, a shaggy Collie mix that I loved dearly but was dead within the year.
Soon, I too will be dead. Just a few more breaths. One breath, and I'll be 50 and saying good-bye to my parents. Another breath, I'll be 60 and starting to worry about my health. And maybe on the next breath, or the breath after, I'll have to say good-bye to wife.
Being young, you could look forward to things, to experiences. You thought about your life in terms of "firsts". First tooth fallen out, first bike, first trip away from home, first kiss, first job...
And now... now I'm entering the age of "lasts".
Today I'm 40 years old. And I'm not celebrating. I'm so sad, I feel old. And scared. So very scared.
