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idk, man. i wish i was closer to God, but my arrogance is getting in the way. i've recently just been paying attention to the antediluvian lineage, and how man's downfall is displayed through their arrogance and willful ignorance of God. how man started to go his own way, becoming successful in ways which benefitted man, but not in ways which praised the Lord. why the preflood society was wicked, except for Enoch of Seth's bloodline, and had to see God's wrath. i think about it now, in modern terms. rather than tubal-cain, master artificer of metals, or jubal, master of music, we have our own celebrities which we end up idolizing for various reasons. one thing i can't help but pay attention to, is the saying, "don't meet your heroes," as if this is a warning that realizes the inherent wickedness in man and his arrogant attempt to become more than what God will allow him to be. then, i go onto the blue hobby boards on 4chan, and much of the discourse is just pointless authoritative "i-know-better-than-you" arguments, or even "i-am-better-than-you-because-you-can't-do-this". it all just feels like wickedness, especially because we are all born in iniquity and therefore nobody has the right to say they are better than anyone else.
idk, i want to repent, but i always feel so afraid of losing what little i already have. i keep putting God off and pushing him aside to keep indulging in my arrogance, but also beg and plea for His presence. i don't know.
