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My mom was an alcoholic who cheated on my dad, and my dad was an alcoholic who had anger issues he would frequently take out on me through beating me whenever she would disappear for a while. As a result, I hated both my parents and ended up never having any clear parental figures during the entirety of my teens. I frequently think about how nice it would be to have parents, or someone older who could help me figure my shit out, but I also have an incredibly difficult time letting go and giving other people control.
I had a co-worker once who was a kind older woman in her early fifties. She would often ask me how I was doing, and once when I told her I wasn't doing very well mentally, she gave me a big hug and told me it would be alright. I cried for the first time in ten years that day. I moved away, and I still miss her, but she has kids of her own, and I don't want to bother her with my baggage. I have a really hard time with girls because I think they'll end up cheating on me like my mom did to my dad, and I'll turn out violent like my dad did. Realizing how stupid the thought itself is doesn't seem to help diminish it either.
I often think about just ending my life, but I'm not there yet. I can still take a bit more. I just want someone to love me.
