>>20745101> tell Abraham to sacrifice his son> he almost does it, knows he should do it, pussies out> God rewards him> be Solomon> get into verbal arguments with ants> cast a pro-God spell on some statues because you think they’re alive> Solomon wants to build a house for God> God rewards him> Solomon can’t build the temple normally because it’s against the rules to use iron in a sacred place> enslave a legion of demons to build it for you> demand the prince demon give you the Shamir> scare a large bird and it drops the shamir > ride on a magic carpet that’s 60 miles long and carries 40,000 people> they fall off> start boning a bunch of foreign women and stacking up horses and gold and anger god in the process> look at the stars and realize your daughter will marry a poor man> lock her in a guarded 70 foot tower in the ocean> your daughter cucks you from her rapunzel tower because a vulture carried a poor student who fell asleep in an ox carcass to her > husband cuts his veins and writes the marriage contract in blood, you realize how smart he is and actually quite like him> prince demon swindles you, takes your magic ring, then yeets you 400 miles away and shapeshifts into you for 3 years> you eventually make it back, on the way people say nah ur not Solomon crazy bum> return to your home, enlist your buddy to get the demon drunk and replace his well water with wine> demon returns from heaven, gets drunk, and you chain him up> Ahab is like bruh I run 252 kingdoms of Israel but fuck the god of Israel> runs into minor inconveniences> Ahab and the Moabites who are usually sun worshippers are like fuck it maybe we have to sacrifice our kid too> do it> God: UHHHHHHH SORRY CHUD LIKE U JUST DONT GET IT I PICKED THIS GROUP OVER HEREYou could make an entire Netflix series on this shit. It’s more entertaining as fantasy than it is as a religion that I know hates me for existing.
