>>17961817frankly, i don't know. maybe you are right, that this is all just a coping mechanism. what's normal for me is a cold loveless hell for someone else. it's hard to even know who that kid is anymore because of how far back the pain goes. it's almost as though it leeches into every memory.
i do feel a certain type of righteousness sometimes. a human, striving to be more than what his environment defines him as. a human who hasn't lost sight of what makes him and others human. i don't know though, and i almost think i do deep inside, but just say i don't know because it's easy to just not think about it. i don't think humans are supposed to constantly be in a state of happiness, but a state of constant striving because it's more rewarding than stagnation. i know that kid inside is hurting badly, and he hurts more than he has to because of the situations i foolishly put him in, expecting the world around me to change. it doesn't, and like a kid licking a 9 volt battery, i get hurt. all i can do is try my best to persevere through these struggles, and nurture myself with the love i was betrayed of as a kid. it doesn't make sense to shame yourself, when it wasn't your fault to begin with. life is difficult, and no matter how much we fall, it's the fact that we pick ourselves back up that actually matters because we can just choose to do nothing and let our circumstances rule over us like tyrants, or loathe the mistakes we make when nobody's perfect. we are so much more than what our physical forms in reality present. we are part of the divine.
i love that you challenge my thoughts. makes me really have to dig deep and confront difficult things to find an answer. sometimes there is no answer though, and i'm okay with it. i don't need to know everything. sleep well, fren~
