>>11952008I cried last time my cat died
I didn't cry when my granny died
that shit haunts me on long nights that I can't sleep for shit
I don't go out of my way to be nice to people, I push people that only attempt to scrape the bottom of being nice to hessitant to have a genuine friendship- then I taunt them poking thdm back and forth until they ask me "didn't you say you wanted no business with me"- at that point I can sufficently say I got rid of them
I push away people that try to act as best friends even though I only know thrm for couple hours or weeks at best- even worse is when people try to strike up conversation with you just because you sit next to each other
I do not adapt to other oeople's needs as nobody ever bothered to adapt to my needs even when I'd bend my back backwards to take care of them- then they pretend that I'm being unreasonable because my needs are weird
all in all it haunts me because I know nobody is going to miss me, not a single person- I became a part of their routine and me dying or something or other would bd no different than painting the walls a new layer of same colour
I think deep down people seek attention from suicidal tendency for a lack of any other assurance that they matter, they have value and people's lives would be a lot different (in a negative way) if they were gone
but that is the vocal part, the physical part of people attempting or failing or commiting suicide is the fsct that thsy life is full of suffering so much so that it's not worth staying concious
my secret is that I act as if I know what future holds for me and truth be told it's dark and not worth living; but I don't actually know this it's just a guess based on a heapjng pile of evidence- theres a possibility it might not end so bad and thats the only reason I'm hessitant to turning my body to ashes from self-bbq
