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I'm sitting here on the toilet, painfully excreting the remains of a jalapeño pizza I had eaten yesterday, when it suddenly dawned on me: I've been paying actual money for the privilege of dying young.
And I'm not alone, either. It's estimated that globally pizza is a $200,000,000,000 industry. Billions of us consume this inflammatory food that is high in refined grains, seed oils, and excess fat. It makes us dumb and doughy, and less efficient when it comes to defending our land from communist invaders.
Now, they say the Italians deployed this delicious weapon on much of the world, but I think that's just a cover story. There just has to - HAS TO - be a Jewish connection. Am I Right?
