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Ever since I was a kid I've wanted to be a girl. Certain things like a book I read about kissing your elbow would turn you into a girl back in 2nd grade, that one mountain dew commercial where a guy turns into a chick, and that fairly odd parents episode where Timmy gets turned into a girl did this to me. That plus I had no strong masculine figures in my life and was surrounded by female relatives my age and no males this was roped into girly stuff. This culminated in me absorbing some feminine behaviors, desires, and autogynophila. But it does go beyond just a fetish. I always end up heavily identifying with females. I often have dreams of being a woman and have since I was a child. Some psychic I went to told me I was a woman in a past life.
I recognize this is a mental illness. I've never done hormones not will I ever transition. Even though the temptation is there I know I will never be a woman and transitioning would only cost me my friendships and leave me an ugly monster. I'd be a hideous freak and feel even worse about myself.
I know anons here will call me a freak and a loser, but it isn't my fault. I don't want to be like this. I want help. I can't go towards the medical or mental health system because they would push me to transition instead of actually helping me fix this problem. People here are quick to shun and despise me but I just want these feelings to go away. I want to be normal. I've tried breaking myself of the fetishistic aspect of it but I always come back. So anons can you help me? What do I do? I go to the gym and try and eat right, but I've drank out of water bottles my entire life too.
