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I never recovered from the trauma of being me.
I could perhaps have had a decent life if I didn't spend every waking moment escaping myself with shallow entertainment and wishing I was someone else and being too absorbed in self-pity to enjoy what life has to offer.
When I was young I felt like unlovable subhuman and I felt like that was fixed and not something I could work on.
Now having wasted so much time and achieved nothing I made it come true.
I can't even escape from reality anymore. I will watch a movie and notice: oh the director is in his 30s like me and was able to coordinate all these people into fulfilling his vision while just going to the store gives me anxiety. Or seeing a chef earn a michelin star at my age while I mess up something as simple as mac and cheese.
