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That opportunity will take (and is taking) many more years to show up though.
Getting found out too early and getting locked up forever is not worth rushing that opportunity to present itself
Maybe it never will and I'll die many years later some other way while waiting to kill myself
With my obsessive-compulsive brain, i have no free will and can only do something if everything feels "right" and that's hard to come by when your self-aware brain knows you're trying to go against its survival instinct
It's near impossible to get the materials for my ideal method while still having a court-ordered legal guardian and case manager and psychiatrist snooping around and not getting to keep my money
