Quoted By:
>be American
>wake up to the smell bacon alarm clock
>accidentally shoot self with bedside revolver when trying to turn off alarm with sausage fingers
>survive because fat layer absorbed the impact
>eat morning bacon
>take morning insulin shot
>get charged $8,000 by Israeli doctor
>press button on side kingsize bed that causes it to tilt sideways and dump 800lb frame onto mobility scooter
>go to bathroom
>pass several kidney stones
>don't have to roll back foreskin thanks to Jewish medicine
>finish on toilet and buckle up XXXXXXL jean shorts
>roll mobility scooter towards stairs
>the scooter gives way and tumbles down the stairs
>stranded at bottom of stairs
>reach into pocket and pull out AR-15
>fire rifle at wall phone to dial 911 using puny 5.56 bullets
>scream "MUH FREEDUMS" at phone
>ambulance arrives shortly after
>get loaded into ambulance
>crappy Chinese engineering causes ambulance engine to stall
>miss Sunday church sermon
>mfw
