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You WILL meet my girlfriend
You WILL smile and shake her hand
You WILL stand up when she enters the room
You WILL make polite conversation
You WILL use proper table manners
You WILL shower, shave, brush and floss, put on deoderant, and wear a dress shirt, dress pants, dress belt, dress shoes, dress socks and clean underwear
You WILL NOT wear a jacket inside in a transparent attempt to conceal your weight
You WILL NOT stare at her boobs, butt, crotch, teeth or lazy eye
You WILL NOT mention her teeth or lazy eye
You WILL NOT make any comments pertaining to her appearance, clothing, skin, hair, nails, body hair or facial hair, or any odor or smell or noise or tic or mannerism she has
You WILL NOT correct her grammar or pronunciation or usage or definition of any word or phrase. No one cares. We don't want to hear it.
You WILL NOT interrupt her while she is speaking.
You WILL ask to be excused from the table before you leave.
You WILL pass the potatoes, butter, salt, pepper, sour creme, chips, salsa and rolls. You WILL NOT bitch about how hot or heavy the food container is, unless it is too hot or heavy to safely move without spilling food or causing injury.
You WILL shake her hand when she leaves, unless she declines, in which case you WILL wave goodbye instead.
You WILL NOT hug or touch her in any way unless she makes the first move to hug or touch you, in which case you may hug or touch her and withdraw when she moves to withdraw, unless she is too shy or intimidated to withdraw, in which case you WILL withdraw after a short, reasonable time not to exceed seven (7) seconds
