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I'm almost 100% I am an undiagnosed autistic and that this is the skeleton key to all my life's problems. However, I'm one of the rare high-functioning supersoldier autistics who is able to weave it into productive and self-benefiting behavior at times.
But when I do manage to grasp my autism, it is like a nuclear reaction of zen,a thousand fold lotus blossom awaking of capabilities. In sacrifice for these capabilities however is the social world, in all its grandeur and possibility, like some great well of potential good and bad.
I'm lucky i'm high functioning. I genuinely struggle to deal with people unless they fit into certain categories. Generally I deal very well with anyone I want to have sex or mate with. I'm very charming and "human" with anyone I'm in love with. But everyone else, I just assume they hate me, even though there is no basis for it. Or I don't know how to think about myself in relation to them. I don't know what goes on.
The most troubling thing of all is despite being fortunate in having high functioning social abilities relative to an autistic, I am such a loner it horrifies me. I never join any groups or really have a big group of friends. I've never been in any clubs or gay shit like that. I've always had to navigate life myself which has been both a blessing and a curse.
