>>11156041Please pray for me, anons.
I'm slowly starting to realize that my "coasting along" is coming to an end. Eventually I am going to have to be either 100% IN the Jesus Camp or 100% OUT of it. Sitting at home wacking it all day is no longer satisfying. NEETmaxxing is no longer satisfying. I want to DO something with my life. The only question is in what direction: up or down?
I've been a total turbocoomer for as long as I can remember, since childhood. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing I want more than to just live as if nothing matters. My form of nihilism wouldn't be material things, power, influence, or popularity. It would be sexual. As retarded as this sounds, I sometimes "want" to just start over somewhere else, maybe with a new name, and live like a total degenerate. Maybe Vegas, San Diego, or somewhere in Texas. Date a stripper/slut/e-girl/etc. Host "parties". Make "home videos". Never have children.
It's like the secret flip side to my normally opposite way of thinking. Like a feeling of wanting to just throw in the towel, go with the flow of our obviously collapsing society, and enjoy the mud pit like a pig, instead of trying to put in the work of cleaning up. The opposite of that is respectable, basically what everyone here wants out of life. A life doing what Jesus wants me to.
I can envision my future life so clearly, but there are two nearly opposite scenarios that I can't bring myself to decide between the two. And years of letting MindGeek reprogram my entire psychology is not helping at all. I feel trapped, and I think it's a genuine feeling, not just some projection of "made-up" Christian guilt.
