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i have thought about killing myself every day for the last month and every other day i have thought about beating the fuck out of some specific people. not torture or killing necessarily, just absolutely beating the fuck out of them with my fists and knees and legs.
i think people romanticize violent death and i wondered if i was, myself, in love with the concept of violence and if it came down to it, i wouldn't like it. but right now i feel like all i want is a fight to the fucking death, seeing how much of someone's skull i can flatten just by punching it into the concrete over and over before my hands break. would i even feel it if my hands broke? would i care? i swear there are people, many people, that need to be beaten like the ridiculous, evil animals they are. they NEED a lifechanging experience of me beating the fuck out of them. i think i'd be doing most of the people i want to hurt a favour if i beat them and they lived.
which is weird because my social life, employment status and relationship status is fixed and all that made it worse. fuck i want to just fucking annihilate some people in just the most primal, simple fashion. i don't care if i get hurt because i don't really feel anything. how would people's lives change if they knew that someone would break their fucking neck if they don't shut the fuck up? how much better would we all be if you knew, if you talked shit, you run the very real risk of having some of your bones broken. would i feel bad? i already feel terrible all the time so that bar's already really low and maybe tearing someone's arm out of their socket wouldn't make it worse. holy fuck i just sit around waiting for someone to try it with me, food's free in jail
