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I know it's the most unlikeliest place for me to post and end up. I'm vising my girl friend in Saint Petersburg Russia.
I was raised by liberal socialist parents and all my life was fed liberal leftist values. I have a black husband and 2 mixed raced kids aged 3 and 4
2 months ago I woke up, made breakfast for my family. At some moment when I was sitting at the table the thought of not belonging swept over me and I haven't been able to shake off this feeling. I looked at my kids who don't look anywhere near like me, look at my husband and I don't feel home. Like I'm in the wrong place with some black guy and his kids. Afterwards from day to day I just went through the motions of cooking, taking care of my kids and so on without any emotion. I told parents about how I felt and they called me a nutcase. My husband knows something's bothering me but I can't tell him the truth. I hate my parents. I hate my friends. I hate my school and my university. I hate all that shit that's been unloaded into my head for years. I don't even fucking know what I found in this black guy. At least I can't think of anything other that I'm doing some charity work for liberal cause and I thought it was cool to date a black guy for liberal reasons. All I wanna do is abandon everything, run away and forgot that's ever happened. I simply don;t feel like having connection to my kids and my husband. I don't even give a fuck if someone called a horrible mother. It's like I woke up one morning to some imposed brainwashed reality I never wanted. I came up with the excuse to visit my friend in Russia to get away from all this for a week and think. I started with international / mixed race marriage forums and end up here.
I know what kinda place this is but maybe here out of all places I might get an idea of what to fucking do. Fuck it I will consider anything at this point
I can't forget all that stuff I've been reading for the last 2 months. I can't come back and forget it and carry on.
