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A nightmare I don't want to wake up from because I deserve it. I deserve my disorders and the mental issues I have. I'm a bad person.
Everyone around me thinks I'm a normal and well-adjusted person, just a little bit quiet and shy. Let me tell you, the joke's on them. I can fake the small-talk; I can dance the all-important 'social tango' if the situation absolutely requires it (for work etc). But none of it is real. I'm an actor. My life is one big deception and the world is my theatre. If only they knew how dead inside I am when they tell me all about their weekends and I say all the right things.
I'm an emotional masochist: I love feeling sorry for myself and agonising over how awful I have it. I torture myself every night while I lay in bed by contemplating my pathetic life over and over and over again. Intellectually, I realise there are a lot of people worse off than I am and this makes me feel awful. But the thing is, I crave that negative feeling and use it to fuel my self-pity. I wallow in my misery and self-depreciation and I love it.
Even on 4chan I don't fit in. At least you can all honestly say, 'I want to get better; I want to live my life without the issues I have and get past this.' At least you have that to hold on to. It would be an out-and-out lie if I said I wanted to change -- I just want to 'go away,' but I'm too much of coward and masochist to ever do it.
