Okay /bant/, so some shit happened today that I am trying to come to terms with.

My dad passed away last week (Leukemia), and had a funeral for him the other day. We were going through his will, and he had left this box of old envelopes to me, really strange. I decided to open them up today, and I noticed every single one was addressed to me, and some went back to the nineties. Each one contained a letter telling me how much he loved me, throughout different points in my life, and how proud he was of how far I'd come.

My dad was never really open about his emotions, always a stoic type. I guess this was his way of venting his emotions, in order to not let them show through to other people. My mother said that he'd always wanted multiple children, but I was an only son, so he devoted his entire being to raising me right.

Whilst reading, I began to tear up, realizing that my Dad still loved me, no matter what shit I pulled. There was a phase in my life where I tried to be as independent as possible, and swore and berated my dad constantly. When I went through the letters from that time, my dad had obviously realized that this was a phase for me, and that no matter how hard I was on him, he was still completely devoted to me. The thing is, the phase never really went away, and I left home still furious with him.

Looking back, I just wish I had valued my dad more, and appreciated how much he did for me. I still haven't finished the letters, since there are hundreds, but I know the feels will only get harder from here.

How do I come to terms with the fact that:

A: My Father is Dead

B: I pushed away the person that loved me more than anything in the world

Didn't want to go to /adv/ with this, because I'd get the same answer from everyone

(Pic not related)