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>Be American >Wake up at 4:00am because of sleep apnoea >Another brownout, winch above bed not working >Futilely try to lift my 400lb carcass out of bed under my own power for the first time in three years. Fail, browse phone for a few hours >Interracial cuckold porn, obviously. If only I could find my penis. >Power finally comes back on. Jam body into shower cubicle and hose the grease from last night's dinners off, then holster up and head for work. >Say goodbye to landwhale wife as I leave. She grunts, continues watching TV. >Two hour commute from suburbs. Average speed: 5mph. >Sniper on the overpass again. Takes out a couple of cars ahead, hear bullets hitting the roof. >Take 9mm out of holster, stick it though sunroof and fire wildly. May have hit some pedestrians, but that's what they get for being pedestrians. Five minutes later sniper retreats. Good guy with a gun wins again. >Sniper's bullets deflected by my SUV's 3" thick steel bodywork. That's why you buy American *taps nose* >That reminds me, need to pull over and refuel. >Still only gone six miles >Realise I'm low on ammo. Buy another box of 9mm hollowpoints while I'm paying for gas. Buy another pistol and a compact submachine gun too just to be on the safe side. And some gum. >Rejoin line of cars heading for the city. Pull out in front of a truck and cut across three lanes. >Hear angry motorists firing their own guns at me, pings harmlessly off SUV. So long, losers. >Gain at least 20 yards with that slick manouver. Traffic is light today, only takes another hour to go the last two miles. >No parking spaces free. Just drive car up on sidewalk. Crush a pedestrian, but that's what they get for being a pedestrian. >Finally get to work. Go through body scanner, metal detector, pat down and blood draw. >Randomly selected for body cavity search.
Anonymous
>>11452954 >Search takes half an hour to get through my various fat rolls and orifices, plus another twenty minutes as the guard tries to overcome the suction to get his arm back. >Good news: everything's clear. No drugs on me, and bloodwork comes back negative for everything except regular prescription opiates. Bad news: change in company policy, I now don't have enough guns. Have to buy an M4 carbine at the concession stand before they let me into the building. >Get to the office in time for staff meeting. >Bow down before manager, forehead touching the floor, as per company regulations. >Manager informs us that there's another round of outsourcing so five of us have been selected to participate in the company Hunger Games; the losers' jobs will go to India. >All workers morbidly obese and suffering from diabetes, heart disease, etc, etc, so losing health insurance is a death sentence anyway. Deadly battle royale is the quickest, cleanest way. >My name not on list, try to breathe a sigh of relief through airways choked by fat; end up just snorting like a pig. >Finish the meeting by reciting the pledge of allegiance, followed by the company loyalty oath. Tear runs down my cheek as I swear on my soul to do everything necessary to protect company profits. Now the hardest part of the day: getting off my knees. As usual, barely manage it with help and a photocopier for support. >Spend next ten hours in cubicle. I think. I'm not sure if time exists in there. >I'm also not sure what I do, I just keep typing things on my computer and hope no one checks up on me. I suspect the entire company functions like this. >Time to go home. Have a short gun battle with a dissatisfied employee to get to the elevator. >Get back to SUV, find a bunch of homeless bums sleeping on it. Use M4 carbine on them - it's super effective! >Turn on wipers to get the blood off, realise there's a ticket under them for parking on the sidewalk. Anonymous
>>11452955 >What the fuck? Is this Stalinist Russia or something? Fucking commie tyranny. Sidewalks should all be privatized anyway. >Drive home takes three hours. Too tired to even honk in appreciation as I pass seven flaming crashes caused by drivers on their phones. >Wife is literally in the same indent in the couch she was when I left, still watching reruns of Ellen. >She starts bitching that I'm late getting home. And that I'm not making enough money. And that I'm physically unattractive and impotent. You know, normal marriage stuff. >Too tired to grovel for her forgiveness right now, do some chores - all the chores, actually, as always. Don't want her to think I'm a misogynist on top of everything else. >Exhausted, so only have three hamburgers and a rack of ribs for dinner. >Finally time for bed. >Strip down to underwear then perform my last act of the day: saluting the American flag that takes up an entire wall of my bedroom. >Lips quiver, feel a surge of pride burning in my chest as I think about how lucky I am to live in the greatest country on Earth. >Uh-oh. That's not pride, it's a heart attack. I should know, I've already had four. >Keel over backwards. Impact sets off alarms in a three block radius. >Paramedics check my wallet before starting CPR. Thank God I still have company health insurance, otherwise I'd have to pay the full $1.5 million for bypass surgery rather than just the $100k co-pay. >Heavily in debt already, of course. Time for a fifth credit card and another 40 hours of overtime I guess. >Ambulance heads for hospital, but traffic grinds to a halt. >Over the radio hear news say that the governor has shut down the bridges to embarrass the mayor. >Fully support this action as governor belongs to the party I vote for and the mayor doesn't. My life is a small price to pay to score petty political points. >Go into cardiac arrest again. Paramedics start CPR but we should have been at the hospital by now. Anonymous
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>>11452956 >Consciousness starts to drain away. Vaguely wonder how the bank is going to get my wife out of the house when they come to repossess it. She sure as hell won't fit through the door. >Final act in this life is to dump 10lbs of greasy shit into my tighty whities. About as meaningful and satisfying as anything else I've accomplished. >Die. >Arrive at heaven. Not regular heaven of course - that's for stinky South Americans, loud Africans and stuck-up Euros. I get to go to proper American Heaven™. >Saint Reagan standing outside the Pearly Gates. He asks to see my Final Account Balance before he can let me in. >Fuck >Get sent to American Hell >It looks familiar. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's just an exact replica of Arizona only without air conditioning >The fiery pit opens up before me, and as I begin to slide towards it I hear the screams of millions of tortured souls, yelling about how this is all Obama's fault >As I near the edge I start to literally fry in my own lard. Just as I fall into the Eternal Fires of Tucson one final thought goes through my mind: >If only... >... I'd had... >... more ... >... guuuuuuuuns! Sage
>>11452954 >>11452955 >>11452956 yup I definitely read all of that and am definitely not just hiding the thread
Anonymous
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>>11452954 sometimes less is more
Anonymous
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>>11452958 It's okay, I know reading isn't for everyone
Anonymous
>>11452954 its probably a good meme greentext but fuck thats so much to read
Anonymous
>>11452954 >Be me >be American >get up at 10 AM because I own my own small biz and can do as I please >bang wife >eat late breakfast around 11 AM >head to work around 1 PM >shitpost on /pol/ for hours between doing actual viable work, get paid about $70/hour to do so from my own company because I'm the boss >work to about 8 PM >go to gym and lift >go home for dinner, bang wife again afterward if I feel like it >shitpost on /pol/ for free this time while winding down for the evening while doing whatever else sounds amusing >repeat Must suck to have a life that isn't this good.
Anonymous
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Didn't read, lol
Anonymous
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>>11452954 You watch too much tv
Anonymous
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>>11452954 >And some gum based murican
Anonymous
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>>11452961 desu, I know, but I've been adding to it a few lines at a time for a week so I thought I might as well post it at least once before forgetting about it. Besides, /pol/ could use some OC from time to time.
Anonymous
Who the fuck typed all that? and who the fuck read all of that?
Anonymous
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>>11452967 the very fact that you are this angry tells me you know exactly what it says
Anonymous
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>>11452954 GOD BLESS AMERICA TRULY THIS IS WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WANTED
Anonymous
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>>11452954 NGL this was pretty funny. Also, its common here in america for us to lubricate our above bed winches with the remaining lard from the nights supper. use the money you save on winch grease for 7xl sweatpants from wal mart
Anonymous
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>>11452962 no one with an own biz slacks off
Anonymous
Anonymous
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> writes a fucking bible on pol
