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That thing that makes you want to die is called weakness anon, and you are no weak fuck, pull yourself together, do the things that you wouldn't have specifically done, and are out of your character. Quench your laziness and believe that with every small step you take, you become stronger. And I don't y u feel bad, but I know that it gets you nowhere, while at least believing that everything that has put you there can be changed does, so just move towards a better direction by making a small step.