>>12126177I know all these things but yet its too difficult to over come it just like that.
I need motivation which is destroyed by constant abuse.
When I was kid once I start something, my whore mother comes and destroy joy in it.... and its was always like this.
Moment my whore of mother sees me happy and smiling and enjoying myself whore must come to start bullshit and drama to kill mood.
I guess you can't let other people be happy if you are not.
She just took joy in destroying mood.
I want to become good programmer but it requires a lot of mental strenght for that and I am just worn down.
You need to understand that my brain has rewired already to such state that I don't even want to try to start doing because I know I will fail at it.
Its just conserving energy from trying... it may be wrong but its almost impossible to get motivation and joy at doing stuff because I know whore of mother will come to ruin it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jguJM3TIehIEven this woman Ayn Rand admit how women operate and that in order to control someone you have to take away their happiness and joy and make them feel guilty.
This is exactly what my mom did, she took my joy and made me feel guilty for everything.
I wasted so much time now and I really don't have motivation to start with anything since chances of promising results are slim. Otherwise if somebody is able to convince me there is still 90% of chance I will succeed until than I will leech on her and make her suffer when she is old whore hag.
It might be wrong way, it might be pointless but hey what can I do she made me bitter and angry mother fucker with her whore behavior. I guess in the end thats how nature intended.
Whatever I do it must have been this way.
