I began to /nofap/ this monday. Yesterday I was tempted to /fap/ while I read a doujin about a 16 yo having a gf who is his favourite pornstar. I laughed at the absolute absurdity, at the complete emasculization, at the JAP-cultural degeneracy of getting an aunty-gf just because you are shedding tears aloud in the restaurant for getting friendzoned. I had to stop. I had to stop, not because I didn't like it, but because I can't afford to become what I see, read, imagine and fantasize about. I can't afford my life to continue losing it's meaning.

Today, after everyone left the office, I opened a Tor tab.
I wanted to find a video that resembles what I read yesterday.
I found some better, most worse. And futanari. And as I was watching that near the window, but with my screen's angle not allowing a view, I still had to be careful of showing signs (and bulges) of me. I didn't touch myself. But now... my pants are wet but the horniness is over. Good thing they are black, but still I will go back home at night as to not catch anyone's attention. As to not meet anyone.

This hiding, this guilt, this shame, had always been a part of me. And as I gained indipendence and anonymity, I tried not to care. And I felt increasingly miserable. I always do, the day after the nut, I feel incapable, irregular, unfriendly, unworthy. Now I live with someone. On her vacation day, I nutted in her bathroom's sink during a dating sim's gameplay. Sometimes in the kitchen. And I masturbated on the sofa in the living room. There were no traces left of course, and still I feel like she avoids me in the apartment. She probably doesn't think about that nor that I may be a pervert, but what if? I can't ask her. It's probably rather because the rooms are too small. And have taken many naps on the sofa.

And I had a dream were I married her and I asked her: "Why do we marry tho?" And she said: "At least be married to someone." And I said. "Fair enough..." But I don't want to marry her in reality.